Today has been everything I expected

nothing more and nothing less.
Alone.
Depressed.
And kinda broken.

I guess I am kinda lying about my expectations. What I am trying to say is that I expected a little more this year especially from my boyfriend and a few friends. In my ideal world I was hoping my boyfriend was going to prove me wrong and visit me. I had hoped he would have knocked at 12 am on the dot on xmas day and would have surprised me. I had dreamed about it for a while too that he would some how drive down here just to kiss and hug me.

I cried when it was 12:05 only to laugh at myself at how silly that was of me to expect. I also cried because I had been left alone-- my mother decieded to go upstairs with her friends and once again I felt alone. She came down a few minutes later only to find me crying and apologized. She than forced me upstairs to see her "friends". Let me just say it was beyond akward-- I got some dirty looks by some drunk fellow and by drunk I mean like, "girl you look fine lets get it on kinda look." I decieded to stay for a few minutes to please me mother and to not seem rude but had to leave because I felt very uncomfortable and because somehow when I was crying the man upstairs had a few CD's in his hand. The one facing me said "The Smiths" and that made me cry more. Now that I realize it that CD is mine and I don't know how he got it. WTF.

ugh. I still miss my father every christmas and no matter how hard I try to forget how much I shouldn't miss him--I can't especially when alone.

Today is Christmas day and my boyfriend hasn't called and I was still hoping he would visit me. again how silly of me. It's almost 7 and I am trying hard not to think of destructive tendicies. This is probably the one time of the year I feel the most suicidal. I guess I'll read something happy because I don't know how much I can take of this. Perhaps I'll take a nap because only in my dreams does everything seem to make sense or seem happier. Merry fucking Christmas.